BHALANI’S TEN COMMANDMENTS

The syllabus for my recent pathology exam was 1286 pages of a briefcase-sized book. Yes, I counted them. No, I didn’t study them all.

Bhalani came to my rescue.

Laymen: Bhalani is a medical bookstore that compiles a book containing every question asked in a university paper in the last 40 years. Medical students: Bhalani is our Messiah – re-resurrected.

Here are His Ten Commandments:

  1. I am Bhalani thy God: Who brought thou out of the Land of Hard Work, out of the House of Slavery. No matter what thy professors tell thou, thou shall have no gods before Me.
  2. Thou shall not make for thyself an idol: Of sincerity, whether it affect anything in Heaven above (Drs. Guyton, Harrison and Gray), under the Earth below (the patients thou kill), or in the water under the Earth (minor lethal bacteria). For I, Bhalani thy God, am a jealous God, punishing students for their iniquity of knowledge, to the third and fourth generations of those who reject Me, showing steadfast love for the thousandth generation who love Me and keep My Commandments.
  3. Thou shall not make wrongful use of the name Bhalani: For Bhalani will not acquit anyone who reveals His existence, or that of His Book, to a professor.
  4. Remember the exam day and keep it holy: For one day thou shall labour, and do all thy studying. For the remaining six, thou shall not study – thou, thy mind, thy male or female friend, thy integrity and the alien Dedication in thy heart. Thou shall chill.
  5. Honour thy seniors and their trust: In My Book. If they’ve never studied rheumatoid arthritis, neither should thou. If they’ve read about obsolete conditions like syphilitic aortitis, so shall thou. Do so, that thy marks be high, due to The Book that thy God is giving thou.
  6. Thou shall not commit adultery: Peeking at the side effects of a drug My Book doesn’t mention is cheating. Know that Medicine can be summarised in fifty standard answers.  Thou shall never study an obscure disease, even out of academic interest. If rare, why care?
  7. Thou shall not murder: Thy patience with excessive studying. Thou with the smarts – why study bronchial asthma? So what if every fourth patient has it? If it hasn’t been asked yet, it will never be asked.
  8. Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbour: By spreading rumours that he covers more of the syllabus than thou doth. Don’t worry, he reads My Book too, and is just as clueless as thou.
  9. Thou shall not covet thy neighbour’s marks: He isn’t going to score more than thou will. Anything extra is just good luck.
  10. Thou shall not covet anything that belongs to thy neighbour: Especially his copy of My Book. Four are enough for thy entire batch. And thou shall pass them on to thy juniors.

Then, and only then, shall thou pass.

Thus it was, thus it is, thus it shall be.

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