LESSONS FROM MY FIRST DELIVERY

Not one that I underwent (impossible), or one that I conducted (impractical), but the one I witnessed. Here’s what I learned:

Tum do, tumhaara ek. Minus one, if you’re ambivalent about the whole no-sleep-no-life-potty-all-over-the-place routine.

All men desirous of a second child deserve a penectomy. And their very own vaginas.

Wives murdering spouses who pressurise them into bearing more children, should be let off by courts, citing extenuating circumstances.

Instead of Mumtaz Mahal after her fourteenth child, it is Shah Jahan who should have died. Look at the cheek of that man – he built her a monument boxed in by four giant phalluses.

When aggrieved women who are mothers several times over, unite to protest the lack of male uteruses – now that’s a labour union.

Medical caution aside, I fully sympathise with pregnant women who demand epidural anaesthesia and C-sections. Those who aphorise about ‘no pain, no gain’ can go have a baby, just for fun.

Episiotomies without adequate anaesthesia merit the intervention of Human Rights International and the UN Peacekeeping Force.

For a woman about to pass out of exhaustion become a mother, delivery and deliverance is the same thing.

No medical specialty requires humane doctors more than OBGY.

Soon-to-be fathers stationed in the waiting room while squirming at the cries of their wives, should be made to sit in front of a large angry sign saying – ‘see what you did!’

The only way that men can possibly bond with their wives during delivery is by self-inducing constipation, then straining to relieve themselves. Not that they’d even come close to the real thing.

Roving playboys who abandon unwed mothers need to be sniffed out, tracked down and devoured alive by rabid dogs.

Male schoolteachers spouting Moral Science have no business talking about the Dignity of Labour.

Surrogate mothers are misguidedly altruistic, heedlessly mercenary, mindlessly masochistic or the most heroic human beings alive.

Women who want to birth twins should have their heads examined.

Condoms are singularly the most important inventions since the discovery of rubber.

The most effective family planning measure is to drag the loving husband into the labour ward and force him to watch his wife pop out a two-and-a-half kilo un-streamlined mass through an aperture that is normally just a few centimetres wide.

I understand all the hoo-ha about compulsory sterilisation. Now let’s give Sanjay Gandhi a Bharat Ratna.

Despite teddy bears, Justin Bieber and a pregnant Schwarzenegger in Junior, there is nothing cuter than a newborn baby.

No muscle in the entire male or female body is stronger than the vagina.

Women are indubitably the stronger sex.

I now understand why, every year on my birthday, my mother relives her own eighteen-hour labour in odious and obstetric detail. Thank you, Aayee.

My great-grandmother gave birth to twelve (living) children. I’m going to try and get my road named after her.

 * * *

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26 thoughts on “LESSONS FROM MY FIRST DELIVERY

  1. I remember after my sister gave birth to her first child (without any pain meds) her husband came out of the delivery and said “I have a whole new respect for women” As well he should – I couldn’t even do the pain free route – my sister is either incredibly brave or incredibly stupid. But since I love her so much we’ll go with the first.

  2. Reminded me of a quote by Betty White, “Why do people keep saying grow some balls? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina. Those things take a pounding!”

    Also, I don’t know if anyone else has observed this, but female med students observing their first delivery are much stronger than male students viewing their first catheterisation. Betty White’s been right all along!

  3. What can I say? Right on my man! True on all counts, I completely agree with your statements.

    I particularly love this. “All men desirous of a second child deserve a penectomy. And their very own vaginas.”

    But, I would just like to point out that women would not prefer a penis-less man. Despite the fact that those penises (peni?) were the reasons they are now going through this hell-on-earth called LABOR in the first place.

    And that’s a paradox 😉

  4. I believe you may mean the uterus, not the vagina. The vagina is great at stretching, but it is not particularly powerful.

  5. Too good man, too good, loved it! Women are definitely the stronger sex. All a guy has to do is repeat what he has been doing using his hand since schooldays. The women have to bear the pain of giving birth to the child. Condoms, if not penectomy, should be made compulsory after first child. And compulsory sterilisation was the best idea that an Indian administrator ever came up with!

  6. well. not all female students r strong enough i guess.
    i remember the first labour i witnessed. we were on our way to our lunch (first clinical year), when our enterprisin bill gates dragged us in. five of us, observin one female in ultreme agony, n doin nothin abt it.
    (i wanted to call mom rt there n tell her “i really really love u. ure AWESOME!)
    i heard her scream. n then i woke up in the residents’ duty room.

  7. My village-house was a virtual Maternity Home for the married sisters in the family.
    No one had wept, mark my word, wept. Cry of pain is there. There is no weeping !! Ask your mother if she wept !
    Let all creation of God shun and stop delivering …… earth would be a barren surface !!
    May knowledge and understanding dawn ….. something which is seriously lacking.

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