My camera is an extension of my ocular tissue.
I click photographs not to capture a memorable moment but to make a moment memorable.
If I stumble upon a deserted beach with only the thunder of the tide in my ears and the last golden rays of sunset in my eyes and have the sea breeze rustle through my hair and scrunch the fine white sand under my toes…I will order everyone to say CHEESE!
Before immortalising a beautiful landscape, I will plant the nearest available human with the corniest possible smile, front and center.
A spell to capture distant objects: Abracadabra willy-nilly-zoom!
At social gatherings, I click countless pictures of the same people wearing the same clothes posing in the same manner with the same smiles, because practice makes perfect.
May I never commit the sacrilege of capturing people as they are in life. The only candid snaps I take are those that can embarrass you.
I will click a thousand portraits of each of my friends with the background out of focus. These will be their profile pics for the rest of their lives.
A friend who carries my tripod is a friend indeed.
On Saturday nights, my camera automatically clicks random pics of my friends and I bleary-eyed, drunk or passed out. On Sunday morning, I will tag everybody whose elbow, knee or little finger is visible in any of these keepers.
Once I get committed/engaged/married, my profile pic cannot feature anyone apart from me and my beloved, or we will both die.
I judge a photograph by its Facebook worthiness, and the number of likes and comments it garners.
I will capture red roses, white roses, pink roses and a touch-me-not (because I’m versatile) from my phone camera and superscribe *Insert Your Name* Photography on every photo in a nice conspicuous font.
I will click photos of photos.
I solemnly swear that the photographs I click will make you look flawless, wholly flawless and nothing but flawless, so help me God.
Give me Photoshop and I will give you perfection.
Sepia is my birthright and I shall use it.
Instagram is my country and all Instagrammers are my brothers and sisters. I love my profile and am proud of its rich and varied filters. I shall always strive to look worthy of it. I shall give my portraits, couplies and all usies the Lux effect and post-produce everyone as a courtesy. To my Instagram and my peeps, I pledge my devotion. In their well-seeming and popularity alone lies my happiness.
I spare myself the effort of thinking up appropriate captions for photos because they’re all #instagood #picsoftheday #withmybestie #friendforever #iloveher.
If at first you can’t converse, Snapchat.
I take screenshots of Snapchats and share them, because #privacywatsdat #swag #yolo #otherwordsthatmeannothingreally #plus #termsthatmakesensetonobodybutyou.
God couldn’t provide a sun at night, hence He gave me Flash. I must honour Him by clicking selfies in the dark.
Red-eye or not, here I come.
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