COMING OF THACKERAGE

Dear Aditya,

We are not so different, you and I. Both of us are nineteen, have anglicised surnames and fathers who love photography. I hear you are to be anointed heir to your family business today. Here’s some friendly advice from one liberal young man to another:

  1. Get yourself a makeover. Dump those T-shirts and designer jeans on a Marathi-speaking beggar. Buy plain kurtas and stock up on ochre dye. Lose the fashionable specs; sunglasses are the way to go. Rudraksha-malas are great as accessories. Grow a beard.
  2. Start an employment agency. This is critical. Monopolise the supply of extras to Bollywood and make your soldiers a part of every Akshay Kumar and Sunny Deol film. Rajnikanth will do too. He’s originally Maharashtrian. Conscript those more aggressive into the Indian army. Bangladesh will become Marathi-rashtra, so migrants will no longer be a problem. Pakistan will have a zunkha-bhakar stall within a week. Let the cultured ones register with Teach For India. Your unemployed cadres can boast of literacy as a qualification and someone will read Rohinton Mistry.
  3. Tie up with karate classes. This is even more critical. Mumbaikars have started taking the dormancy of your supporters for granted. Let your boys learn to hand-split a brick, and no Plexiglass will present a challenge. Don’t make it easy for our police force to stop you. On second thought, they never really try to anyway, so don’t bother.
  4. Incite hatred. This is paramount. Do not deviate from this one and only point in your party manifesto. Spread rumours. Threaten people. Destroy the fragile peace that exists in Mumbai. This will get you publicity.
  5. Publish more poetry. Write more poems in Hindi. Get South Indians like Shankar Mahadevan to render them in tune. Give it a nice Marathi title like your first work, ‘My Thoughts in Black and White’. Get an Uttar Bharatiya such as Amitabh Bachchan to launch it. This will get you publicity too.
  6. Rename places. Call Marine Drive, Sambhaji Maharaj Marg and your college, Sant Tukaram Mahavidhyalay. If this doesn’t get you publicity, nothing will.
  7. Work hard. Make call center employees respond to American queries in Marathi,  demand that English be taught in Devanagari,  and get Sanjay Raut into Big Boss 5.  Make some noise. It’s because of you and your ilk that tigers will never be extinct in India.
  8. Don’t fall in love. I was born on Valentine’s Day. Throughout the nineties, headlines on the fifteenth of February were of your workers remodelling card shops and giving couples unobtrusive company. I’m kidding.

Don’t get yourself a girlfriend. If you do, I’ll come after you.

I’m not kidding.

* * *

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14 thoughts on “COMING OF THACKERAGE

  1. hahahah nice 1s man!!!
    ukno wat if hes actually reads dese u are goin 2 b hunted down by him!!!:-P
    bt nevermind me too m of d opinion of freedom of speech!!!!!

  2. Nice one mrigank…. Im too against the dynasty politics and the nonsense of the two ‘Marathi Manoos’ parties…hardly does ne1 care abt them nemore…keep going 🙂

  3. Oh yes, some more on Valentines Day. READ the Kamasutra, get upset on the dirty Indian’s who wrote a book on Love. Actually what you could do Aaditya is burn down the Konark Sun Temple. There are a lot of Nude Gods. Talk about holding up the Quasi Morality in Mumbai. Burn M. F. Hussein paintings and for a compounded effect announce a fatwa on Salman Rushdie for not writing about Maharashtrians.

    Rohinton Mistry is small fry, how about trying to “Understand” that the gentlemen who “saved” the day in the terrorists attacks weren’t Maharashtrians, they came from all across. So get real and read up on Maharashtra. Please understand that your following is SEC-C class of an audience. No one in his right state of mind is going to recommend your stance.

    By the way Shiv Chatrapati Shivaji Raje Bhosale was a Maratha, his Generals were also Maratha’s, Admiral Angre was (if I am not Mistaken a Bhandari), the Maratha Army consisted of the so-called scheduled castes, tribes etc etc. I was hoping to know, how come CKP’s suddenly thought of up-holding morals in Mumbai.

    It took an RR Patil to close down the dance bars, did the Shiv Sena do anything about it NO!! We are keen on throwing the Taxi Drivers, the Bhaji / Tarkariwala / Vegetable vendors out of Mumbai. Do please suggest a way to drive Taxi’s and Auto drivers are thrown out. Do you think the Shiv Sena would be able to run the business No, No why in heavens would we do that.

    Amhala Varganya gola karachya astat. Tya Nantar daru dhosaychi astey aanee bayka poraana zodaycha aasta!!!!!

    You guys need to get real!!!!!

  4. I mean no offence when i mentioned about the scheduled tribes. i am hoping to drive a point where, we talk about racial attacks in Australia. But we don’t give a damn about what these jerks do to the marginalized classes in Mumbai.

    Had the Architect of the Indian Constitution been alive. He would have killed himself twice over.

    Moral: Mrigank You have done a fantastic job. You remind me of this British Author Tom Sharpe apart from the Super Iconic ‘Pu-la’ Deshpande.

    Nice very very nice

  5. hey mrigank nice 1 srsly…v need sum1 lyk u whu can motivate oders 2 speak up n express their thoughts srsly…!!!
    I totaly support u….!!!
    keep goin lyk dis….i bet ppl lyk u will giv d courage 2 ppl lyk me 2 speak up n cum out n stop wats happenin especially in mumbai…!!!

  6. Pingback: COMING OF THACKERAGE | indiarrs.net Classifieds | Featured blogs from INDIA.

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